You can only lose what you cling to. -Buddha
I’ve been reading a lot about attachment theory and how the feeling of attachment is born out of abandonment. When children have been abandoned by those they have put in a position of protector, they feel vulnerable and unsafe, so they do what they can to make sure that doesn’t happen. They find ways to stay attached so the protector doesn’t leave again, and that usually includes submissive behaviors which is more often than not transactional (I will do this for you in hopes I get something back like approval or you don’t leave me).
This abandonment trauma can manifest in many ways including:
always wanting to please others (being a “people pleaser”)
giving too much in relationships
an inability to trust others
pushing others away to avoid rejection
feeling insecure in romantic partnerships and friendships
codependency
a need for continual reassurance that others love them and will stay with them
the need to control others
persisting with unhealthy relationships
the inability to maintain relationships
moving quickly from one relationship to another
sabotaging relationships
lack of emotional intimacy (Source: Medical News Today )
If you know someone that displays these "symptoms" of abandonment trauma there are a few things that can be done to help them.
Stay calm during conversations, even when the person tries to provoke a response — they may be trying to “test’ their theory that everyone rejects them.
Avoid pushing for answers, and allow the person to open up in their own time.
Reply honestly and let them know how their behaviors affect others.
When you love yourself nothing else matters.
The belief is if you know you can already give yourself everything you think you need from someone else then you won’t be as attached to them.
And when there is no fear of abandonment there is little to no sense of attachment, especially to things that no longer serve you or your growth.
There are many inspirational quotes about the power of letting go which stresses how important this skill is to have.
If we don't let go of what doesn't serve us anymore, if we remain in our comfort zones, then we do not give ourselves room to grow and improve. All we will do is what we've been doing right along because we don't want to change or challenge the status quo. We don't want to let go of what's working because we don't know any other way to manage. When we release the rigid way of thinking and tunnel vision, we allow ourselves the room to grow and branch out and discover new ideals.
When we love ourselves we allow for mistakes to happen and for being able to try new things by releasing the old.
When you can't let go.
A recent situation had me feeling stressed and frustrated due to a something that was beyond my control. It was a computer software and network issue that had to be fixed by IT people miles away. What frustrated me the most was that it impacted the customer standing in front of me and in my mind a multi-billion dollar corporation should have systems much better than how they were operating at the time. The down time length could not be determined and because of the transaction type the customer was not able to receive a refund if the system remained down. Yes the customer had paid for a service he could not use and could not get his money back. Long story short the system came back after an hour and s the customer was able to use his service.
The feeling of helplessness in having no solution, the worst case scenario in my head about the impression the customer had of the company (and myself), and the knowledge the situation didn’t have to be this way if the systems just worked all became too much. I felt abandoned. Abandoned by the immediate management team when the customer became agitated and raising their voice and abandoned by the system for not working properly (it sounds silly I know).
It was at this moment I became angry at everyone and everything and shut down. I tried to process everything that was happening and tried to make sense of it all. And I came to this conclusion: I was feeling this way because I didn’t feel “safe” within this environment and felt alone.
I hadn’t been able to let go of traumas from my childhood. This realization was a huge first step into figuring out why I couldn't let go of little things. Just like an addicts 12-step program, it all starts by admitting there's an issue once discovered.
And the healing begins.
The next steps in the journey to recovering from abandonment and attachment involve:
taking responsibility for our own well-being. It's up to us to truly heal and move forward with our lives. Seek out help, counsel, even talking about what's bothering you with your friends and family. We have the responsibility to ourselves to take action.
Structure & Stability- setting a routine to discuss issues and engage in some sort of therapeutic activity: journaling, a creative hobby, spending time with a counselor. This will give the self something that recharges as well as something to look forward in doing.
Look within to the triggers of today to discover the pains of the past as a means to start the healing process. Once we discover what's really troubling us and sets us off, we can then begin to re-write our personal narrative. If the triggers are because we don't feel like we are "enough" discover where this started and why, and then look for recent examples that prove you are enough. Re-write your story to reimagine your future.
Keep in mind this is an ever-evolving process and healing won't happen overnight. It will take time. I'm going through the process as well, and can say there have been some great days as well as not-so great days. That's life.
With time and self-care, we will be able to evolve and heal from any traumas (like childhood abandonment) and give ourselves the power to let go of things that no longer serve us. And do so without feeling any remorse or regrets.
We are stronger than we give credit for and we are enough. Give yourself permission- it's time to let go of what's holding you back.
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